October 8, 2013

It’s been nearly eight months since my previous post, and much has happened since that time.

In some ways, things prior to the September Equinox were very volatile, the energies really restructuring so very much, new things came into my life only to be exposed as mere resonances of possible things to come and false starts — and just a shit-ton of disappointments in my personal life. My beliefs, my hopes, my dreams: all of them are rather in tatters, having been blown apart completely. (And I understand this can be something necessary and integral, so I “get it,” but that does not minimize the pain involved of seeing your every understanding of what was supposed to be — through clairvoyant and other means — simply be ripped entirely away. After seven years of daily mental reinforcement of “YES! This IS how it will be!”, it’s not the “story” anymore, and I don’t have an explanation or replacement tale. I just am. Here and now, not really caring too much anymore about what’s ahead.)

On the brightest, lightest side of things, the reunification process with my son, who will be eight years old in one month, has been successful. We shall be moving forward into a regular parenting time plan and schedule, and I can resume being his mother, in full, on my own time, with no therapist overseeing the process. At least that is what I can project into what semblance of a future I “see” (and that is not so far ahead, truth be told).

But then there is my TF, and how horribly things stand with him. I have had to stop all communication with him because of the deep, deep damage that has come about inside me from his falling out of love with me and rejecting me in his life. The “running stage” — as I understand there may be stages to this “reunification.” On the good side, this rupture has meant that I can reunify with my son, but on the down-side, it appears all the things that my higher self communicated to me in 2006 and 2007 are just plain flat out *wrong* — or, perhaps were “readjusted” because of free will and the overall global ascension process. I am not sure. It looks from all indications that this rupture, running, and separation is a permanent state of things to come. I’m getting no indication except to let go as best I can.

Sure, it is not over until the “fat lady sings,” but I believe I am at the point where I actually *should not* hope for a further reunification with my TF because to do so would be making myself into a doormat and into someone who believes it is okay for someone to treat her as “less.” Unhealthy is unhealthy, even in a TF connection. And I deserve more. I deserve an evolved relationship, not one where someone checks out entirely from the relationship and treats me with disrespect and dishonor.

I just wrote this to SunshineAngelina, whose comments I had seen on Denise’s new blog High Heart Life — her TF died this past June.

First, I am so sorry about the loss of your TF on “this side” of life/living.

I, too, have been living out a TF story in this ascension process for the past seven years. I have been ripped away from my TF in this dimension, not by death but by life/life choices/stages of the TF reunion. I actually married him in 2011 (he’s my third husband) but he lives in another country (he’s American but his whole life and work have been out of the country for over 20 years) and I had to come back to the U.S in 2012 (through uncontrollable and complicated circumstances). He has decided he [is] not in love with me anymore and that he [cannot] and [will not] join me here in the U.S. We’ve been through a lot of hell in the past years, and he still does not recognize me as his TF. He’s currently trying to date other women, and has a crush on someone he hopes to ask out.

At this point, I am more or less resigned that this is a stage of the reunification where he has run from me and the relationship, perhaps permanently in this lifetime/this timeline. Also, he has a lot of work that needs to be done on his own even still — and probably me, too. Denise’s latest post at High Heart Life has helped me understand more about why it’s separation here and now. This part has to be walked alone.

I have to say this: The TF journey is kind of a horrible one, from this side of it! (Meaning: in duality, in this dimensional timeline on earth — the one that is changing, but currently still appears to be the same.) I don’t know what is worse: to know and have the love of your TF and him talking to you, but having crossed over, and no ability to feel or touch physically, or to know your TF is still walking the planet but does not want anything more to do with you… It’s all pretty bad from this side of it when TF’s are separated, for whatever reasons. It brings back all those “separation issues” from incarnation, in my opinion.

I’m so sorry you have to go through what you are. But I do understand it, in a way.

At this point, I realize that in fact, due to the issues of my TF, I am better on my own to increase my own frequency at this point. There were many ways in which it was not a healthy relationship and was very imbalanced in my giving more to it and his giving less (not so much his “fault” — just the issues that have been driving him for years. I’ve been doing conscious healing of my issues for years, and he just started a short time ago). From being with him, I learned a lot about boundaries and taking care of myself. He found sobriety from alcoholism. All in all, it’s growth we both needed. It’s not been for nothing.

I have come to a similar conclusion it seems you have from reading your comments and posts here: the only way to meet again in wholeness is to pass forward into the new and into the next thing, whatever that is. Sometimes I think I will never get over meeting and being married to my TF, but not with him now. But then other times I realize there is a hope and future with the knowledge that I connected with him for a time, and now may face a few decades doing something else, even in the transition to another earth dimensional frequency. I will be okay being on my own. There is a future, and it can be a good one.

In any case, my biggest hope for you and for me, having once known our TFs but now not being able to be with them in the here and now: I hope that we move forward into love and into light, knowing that we are also okay on our own, progressing always forward, guided by that love and light.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you can continue to process your losses and gains with the crossing over of your TF.

With love,

Calliope the Muse

The funny thing is, some of the TF energy was surrounding me this past spring (March into May) and prompted me into a summertime relationship (May to August) with someone I have known online for several years. It developed very quickly and equally devolved rapidly (it became rather a nightmare, in fact, with his inability to let go — some real mental and heart issues there — and he was harassing me after I said I did not want to pursue the relationship further). The worst thing was I HOPED, and those hopes were completely let down. It seemed this relationship could be an answer to the separation with my TF: that there would and could be a future with someone else. In fact, all it did was highlight how much I miss the good parts of the person who is my TF here in this lifetime, and how I hoped for that story to come true. It was a pretty depressing realization, and I have been living with the fallout of that through August and September. I hit a huge wall of grief with regards to my separation from my husband/TF. And I got the definitive words from him that he does not want to stay married, and he wants to be with someone else.

I really don’t know where I am going from here. I have to say this: I am just fine with that “blank slate” on the one hand. I really cannot let go of much more in this lifetime. I think letting go of my TF story is bringing me to have the ability to be that person free of ALL ballast to move forward to the next thing in this ascension shift. It’s the “last bastion” to fall.

But I also have no desire to stay here, no desire to move forward with 3D Planet Earth. I love my children, but they already have had to separate from me, too — I’m only back in their lives because it became obvious I was supposed to be. Of course, this is not a suicidal thought: I am where I am, and I know by now to change that through a selfish act like suicide is a fool’s errand. But what I mean is that I think I am ready. Ready for the new, whatever it is. There is nothing of the old that is holding me back any more.

I hope at some point I will see this as a gift. The only remaining thing is the deep sadness and grief that I feel. Maybe once that is passed through, then I really will be free to create some kind of a future for myself. But as for now, I simply exist, and try to pass the time as best I can doing what is necessary to survive in 3D.

Copious amounts of watching the new Doctor Who has quite literally saved me. Traveling with a Time Lord and seeing all the vastness of the universe, plus the love he has for the Earth and her people has helped me quite a lot, actually.

That’s all. Don’t know if anyone is actually reading this stuff, but it sure has helped to put things out on virtual paper today.