I’ve got to head in to my job in just a few, so this will be short. In my prior post “Oh bother” I described how ashamed I was feeling for having some kind of weird connection to YouTuber Dude (I need to think of another nickname… but let’s go with YTD for now) and it’s because I have triggers around so many things. The whole situation has made me feel like a pre-teen. My higher self is also throwing into the mix as she led me to a blog post he’d written where I wrote a comment so long it wouldn’t be accepted by the comment field, and I felt compelled to send another email.
(I can see you shaking your head in that way that indicates I’m nuts and thinking, “Why did she do that?”)
I explained in the email I was starting to feel like a stalker. The irony was that his post was about someone who had accused him of the same, and so I wrote a plea within the email to say to please not think of me in that way. (In my defense, I really had information from “above” to share, guided by HS & Co. and it wasn’t all ego-driven. Not to say that some of it wasn’t! I’m in a body on this planet, so yeah. There is ego in *everything.*)
The comment/message was about how I can clearly see this person YTD is a twin from the things he had written. (But I wrote about 5,000 more words to say that, lol.)
I emailed it off and actually got a very nice reply saying that he appreciates the honest thoughts, and happy that the content he has (books, videos, etc.) is awakening things for me, and how he genuinely appreciates the feedback. He also said that he’s take a closer look when he is not so busy and respond when he gets a chance.
Apparently in Guy Speak, sometimes “I’m busy” just means “I’m busy.”
Dammit, but I have a lot of shadow work to do still, lol. Taking a good look at what is being mirrored from other people is a pain in the ass. As I suppose it should be. (It’s kind of the point, isn’t it.)
Time to run, but I wanted to set the record straight that I was wrong about the YTD not giving a shit. I’m sorry, YTD. I have a lot of triggers. *sigh*
Today is the 10-10 Portal and it feels identical to a Mercury retrograde to me. Everything feels off-kilter tonight. I had so much trouble focusing on work today. I think about all the mental and situational horror of 2016 so far (from Bowie’s death on January 10 to the more personal situations of the TF 2.0 and his “I don’t want a relationship but oh yeah I do just not with you” bidness, to the incident I wrote about last where his blatant, ugly racism made me say to the universe, “NOPE.” Like this kind of NOPE: Continue reading “Oh bother.”→
I was in the Dallas, Texas area and it was the starting point of my life shattering as I embarked, with conscious awareness, on the twin flame journey and my awakening.
I’ve been a spiritual person always: from early childhood encounters with the divine, to a 15-year stint in Christianity as a baby-adult, but by 2006 at the age of 38, I had left all the religion behind and started to engage with a relationship with the self and the universe. I realized that there was much more to life than met the eye and I was ready to interact with what that “much” and “more” entailed.
As a person who grew up with a lot of “boundary violations,” I found myself in a relationship with a narcissist (his own mom has identified him as one, too –a minor miracle in my life when she realized this was the case). I was attracted to and attracted by narcissists, and he was my second spouse.
But my soul was starting to break away and I was starting to find myself again: my wants and needs, my interests and desires. These actions are a huge threat for a narcissist who has come to expect that the relationship serve him and his needs, alone.
In my exploration of myself and the universe, I violated boundaries as well: it’s what I knew, right?
On October 6, 2006, what was brewing into a whole hot mess exploded like a burrito overcooked in a microwave, and I officially began a journey, a Kundalini awakening, and the rediscovery of myself.
Fast forward to the Black Moon of September 30th, 2016. Note that I am on TF version 2.0 (there were also versions 1.5 and maybe 1.8 — something about being a twin, I am discovering, is that I AM the twin, I carry the twin energy, so I am really seeing how I see a potential twin in EVERY man I interact with to some degree of depth — cue rueful laughter here! But it is because I, myself, am the twin. It’s taken me a while and a few experiences to figure this out).
Well, the universe decided to give me resolution — a resolution for which I had prayed and done a lot of energy clearing work in past weeks. I had asked regarding TF 2.0 (I’ve blogged about him upon reopening this blog in recent posts), “Please, I need to know if it is him or not, and if not, let him have served his purpose as I deeply desire to move on, move forward and find my path with the one who is my physical counterpart…” (I know — I had decided he was, without a doubt, my TF. So sue me. I’m learning that nothing is set in stone on this journey.)
In my struggles with trying to understand how such a man as TF 2.0 could be my twin (check out the previous posts here at what type of person he is), earlier this summer I actually had a visualization of another — a much more ideal man, a possible soulmate with whom to build a better relationship than seems possible with TF 2.0, unless TF 2.0 experiences an event like a literal lightning bolt to the body and has a walk-in arrive.
The new man in my vision was/is a tall, blond hippie-type. I had seen him so clearly in my head, and I was having visions of doing things with him around my city, meeting up and having a kind of partnership. I even went so far as to see if I could find pictures of similar people online just to get a kind of “visual confirmation” of the man I was seeing in my head.
With some shock, I realized a couple of weeks ago (maybe a month after the visions) that I had actually *seen* this man before, or someone who looks a lot like him and carries a very similar energy. He’s a YouTuber I have been subscribed to for a couple of years. I don’t know if it is actually him who I saw in my visions, but I do know he is much more of the type of enlightened man that is in complete contrast to TF 2.0, and much like who I was seeing in my mind.
Meanwhile, on September 29, I was checking out my twin’s social media, as I had been doing all summer as my higher self would show me the various places where he was hanging out online. I found one repository for posts and “likes” of his on Tumblr. What saw on the night of September 29 irrevocably changed the entire dynamic in my mind with “TF” 2.0.
There was a video he posted and a GIF image which he’d “liked,” both of which are so heinous, racist, disgusting, and offensive, I had a completely visceral reaction of a complete “NO” within every part of my being. The items were “white supremacist” in nature, and were really abhorrent — I am not exaggerating. It was truly awful stuff.
I do not care if he is my “real twin,” what I saw was a final straw for the physical embodiment of this man. I cannot, under any circumstances, unsee what I saw, I cannot resonate at all with what he posted, and I cannot possibly engage with someone who has beliefs or interests such as his. I was somewhat forgiving of the other crap he’s into — some of it seemed redeemable. But I can’t get past what I saw and felt about what I saw.
In my mind, I declared to the universe that NO, only over my dead body would I unite with a human in that condition (that’s a gross thought. Sorry. But you know what I mean: I cannot, I will not, unite in physicality with such). I will hold him up in love, but from a DISTANCE, and I declare an end to any further engagement with him.
I didn’t unfriend on Facebook this time. I just stopped following. I have not really been back to social media in the past week, but for once or twice, which considering I was checking a few times a day (I know. But then those of you on this journey know, too…), it’s negligible. I actually have lost a great deal of any desire to “check in” and see what he is up to.
Something inside of me shifted, and I felt something new born on the 30th with the New Moon, the Black Moon. It was pretty damn huge. I feel like I am in a new timeline, something that’s happened only a couple of times on this journey. Something HUGE happened with that New Moon.
I believe that perhaps the lessons have been learned with TF v. 2.0. I think it is possible that I am on to version 3.0, or perhaps re-framing the entire journey into something “else.” I am not sure what, yet.
The metaphor goes like this: I want to make smoothies (TF journey and union). Because an old crappy blender can make basic smoothies, I was looking at the fact that TF 2.0 was “a blender.” He wasn’t a hammer, or a screwdriver, or a shoe, or a whisk, or a hand mixer. He was, in fact, a blender! I could see that he was a blender (a soul connection), and I thought I’d be making smoothies with him, but maybe after he had that bad motor fixed and some new wiring. Not much, right? (*wink*) My higher self encouraged this thought with the story that he’d have a major awakening, a complete shift in the head, and that it might come about with a NDE or some other sort of thing like that.
With (re)discovering the much more Spiritual Man, let’s call him the YouTuber Dude, who is similar to the person about whom I had been having visions, I realized that someone like him is a Vitamix! Perhaps out of my reach as it’s expensive and I don’t know if I am capable nor worthy of having one like it (ah ha — see where the new issue is to work on?), the Vitamix is specially designed to make smoothies! How about that! It’s much more of what I want and need to make smoothies. A Vitamix is a specialist at smoothies, in fact, and don’t need any “work” at all. Maybe just to wake up to being a twin as well…
I am tired of the Fixer-Upper Alleged Twin Flames. I have seen and understood that the Vitamix exists. And whether the Vitamix is the TF or not, I want to make smoothies with it.
I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I’m typing this fast. I have been meaning to write about it for a week, but the only time I have had is now, before work on a Thursday morning, on the anniversary of the beginning of this hero/heroine’s journey. I gotta go get in the shower. I’m rushing. I’m not even going to have time to edit this, really.
I have to run. You all (whoever is reading this, lol — if anyone still is!) be well. I’ll keep you posted as to what, if anything, moves and shifts in this story.