Oh mother fucking shit.
Today is the 10-10 Portal and it feels identical to a Mercury retrograde to me. Everything feels off-kilter tonight. I had so much trouble focusing on work today. I think about all the mental and situational horror of 2016 so far (from Bowie’s death on January 10 to the more personal situations of the TF 2.0 and his “I don’t want a relationship but oh yeah I do just not with you” bidness, to the incident I wrote about last where his blatant, ugly racism made me say to the universe, “NOPE.” Like this kind of NOPE:
Image Source: BeatofHawaii.com
I just learned of the existence of Hawaiian centipedes this weekend when I was reading the books that YouTuber Dude has written about traveling and camping in various locations worldwide. I read about the centipedes and said to myself, “NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.” I don’t care how fucking beautiful a place like Hawaii is, if there are these evil, biting/stinging creatures that could get into bed with me and attack (they are CARNIVORES. WTF?!), all I can say is “NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.” I don’t care if this makes me a wimp. All I can say is “FUCK NO.“
TF 2.0 is still feeling like this kind of NOPE. Nothing has changed there. I saw pics of him posted on FB in my timeline yesterday (they came up; I didn’t search) and he looks like a fat bastard. That’s really mean, I know, but I am kind of wondering what I ever saw in him. Funny how now when I see him, all I can think of is, “What a racist fucker.” It’s strange how when we get a good look of someone’s true darkness, it’s easy for love to become instantaneously conditional. I do not mind admission of this in the least. I just never in a million years thought he was THAT dark and awful in his head, and finding out he is just makes me want to run a million miles away, say, “I wish you well” and also, “Your girlfriend can have you.” It’s a lot like online dating in a way. Someone can seem awfully compatible on “paper,” but then if you meet that person face-to-face and they have incredibly bad body odor and there is zero chemistry, you aren’t necessarily going to hate that person, but you sure as shit don’t want to kiss him (or more) either. Can I get a witness? Conditional love sometimes indicates that we are getting in touch with our “bottom lines” and determining what is our true frequency match.
I just found out just how bad TF 2.0 smells, and I know it’s a scent I could never live with. Extreme racism is a “bottom line” for me; I can’t get the image I saw online out of my head and the association of that image is indelibly marked on TF 2.0 like a tattoo (in fact, I visualize it kind of like a Swastika right in the middle of his forehead, like Charles Manson has).
Here’s how badly I am feeling about myself, though (it’s all a mirror, isn’t it).
I am thoroughly disgusted with myself over YouTuber Dude. I contributed money to his channel, bought his books, have sent two emails and made comment on one of his blogs (the guy has a lot of shit online, but who am I to talk. Pot and kettle), as well as fairly innocuous (read: short and sweet) comments on recent videos that have been posted. Oh except for that one video from the past…… Yeah, I commented a couple of times on one of those as well.
I am worse than an 8th grade girl with a crush and the humiliating thing is that he wrote a response in a comment to one of my comments about having seen my email but being “swamped” and not having time to respond very soon. I can hear what you are thinking. Yeah, that’s what dawned on me, too. (I’m slow.) There was a site dedicated to this kind of thing. Lemme see if I can find it…
[a little while later]
Nope. Couldn’t find it. It’s a great site about texting — I ran into it a couple of years back, but now I can’t locate the site. It was one where people could post their texts and get feedback like “He’s into you” or “He’s just not that into you” based on the contents of the text. It was hilarious. I wish I could’ve found it.
I did find these gems, though.
“Busy is another word for ‘asshole’.” HEL-LOOOOOO, Calliope!! THE DUDE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT. HE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU.
If I were a “person of interest” and “hot enough to have gotten his attention,” you sure as shit know he would have written back. “Busy” is just another word for “NOPE” in Guy-Speak. I’m not all that fluent in that language, but I have learned a lot more in recent years, and “I’m swamped” is definitely Guy-Speak for “No, thanks.” (UPDATE: please see the subsequent post “Well, sometimes we can be wrong…” for a follow-up to these statements. At this point I want to say to myself, “Triggered much, there, girlie?!”)
Here’s the thing. I saw something in my mind; I saw a visualization of a person. The visualization felt pretty real, and when I realized who it was that I saw (or, who my ego interpreted it to be), I got all intrigued, even though for the prior two years I could not have given a shit about YouTuber Dude, honestly. I think this visualization could be one of a couple of things (or maybe more, but this is what I get so far):
1. My higher self wants me to learn and grown and heal. My obsession with this crush (because I realized he looked like “an idealized man in my head whom I visualized”) is pushing me to really become more whole in myself and confront the egoic parts of me that are triggered by him. Back to the fact that people mirror ourselves and the lessons we need at any given time.
2. He has provided a nice foil for TF 2.0. Contrast, baby. Contrast.
I can’t think of what three is. It was there, but it went away. Maybe that he could be the soulmate I am seeking? Part of me is resonating less and less with that as I put my thinking cap on and realize how very different his and my lifestyles are. It’s hard to explain without going into a lot of detail and I am trying to preserve some anonymity in the situation here.
But yeah, it’s one of those things that when one looks at everything on the whole, there’s just no way. He’d need as much or more of the shakubuku as TF 2.0, if I am really being honest with myself and with confronting the illusion.
It’s been helpful to have the crush. It also makes me really grumpy with myself.
I feel like this.
Tripped up by old issues. Feeling like I am in 6th grade. 8th grade. 9th grade. 11th grade. All those crushes who didn’t like me back and how it made me feel inside. All the insecurities coming up.
A thought just occurred to me: I have to see these all as gifts, now that I understand their purpose. All of these situations that dredge up the past and make me feel like crap are here to help heal me.
I ought to consider all of it with gratitude.
So mote it be.
I didn’t realize how late it has gotten. I have to get some rest before getting in to another day. Tomorrow will be here very soon.
Over and out.
Calliope the Muse