The Million Dollar Question

million dollar question
Image source: Urban Dictionary, definition of “million dollar question”

I was reminded today that when the man I think is my twin text messaged me on my phone for the first time ever in 2012, it was at 11:11 pm. I was so taken aback, as I was calmly tucked in bed, not thinking of much, and my (then-clamshell-style phone) buzzed into my quietude, I opened the phone, and BAM. 11:11 stared at me and caused my heart to leap and then pound. There was something that was excited inside of my heart in that moment. “Could it be…?” I wondered.

In 2012, I had just left my “twin catalyst,” let’s call him. He is featured in the earliest of posts in this blog. I was living in a country outside of the U.S. I had been there for four years. I really thought the guy was my twin, but we’d just been ripped apart by bureaucracy and a vengeful ex of mine the month before (a child was being used as a pawn). As a result of this upheaval, and right at the first of the Uranus-Pluto Squares of that era, I’d moved back to the U.S.

Then this other guy, whom I have known since I was 14 and who had also just moved back to the state I’m from and where he and I went to high school together, texts me at 11:11 and my “Spidey Senses” go off. “COULD IT BE…???

I’ve been asking myself this for four years. The reason I have to ask is that I must confess my ego personality does not really like this person, and yet I love him to death. The idiocy and frustration of this paradox drives me nuts.

I have been working very hard since 2012 to let him go. At first, it was really easy. In fact, I keep thinking about the trajectory of our encounters and how each time the ante is raised, and I have to fold my hand because he’s got a winning one. By this I mean that he is the one that runs over and over and over, except when I do (lol).

We’ve been doing a really strange dance since August of 1982, and I am not sure how this all ends.

For the umpteenth time, I have looked to the Tarot to try to get some answers.

The million dollar question has always been, “Is he my *real* Twin Flame?”

I feel the need to know for sure because, frankly, I would completely bail on this guy if he weren’t. There is just TOO MUCH between us, I often feel. (Anyone who is worth their TF-knowing salt is probably nodding and saying, “Yup, he is” because it seems this sentiment is often the way of it for TF pairs.)

This evening, I got (top to bottom in the way I drew them):

1) 0 – The Fool

2) II of Wands

3) I – The Magician Rx

4) X of Cups

The message was this (based on sentences that my guidance highlighted from the booklet with this particular deck: Running Press Mini-Deck by Dennis Fairchild and illustrated by Julie Paschkis. This deck was the only one I had when I came back to the U.S. in 2012 and is tied in with my TF process regarding the man I currently believe to be my TF, so I often use it for discerning messages about him):

1) “Matters are proceeding as planned.”

2) “Help is on the way.”

3) “Don’t close yourself off from the help and guidance of others.”

4) Do I really need to explain this one? LOL. Okay. I will go ahead because it is actually salient to what I was asked to do by his higher self and which has led to this post, “Tender words and sympathy bring the best results.”

I was just listening to a You Tube post by user Sonnet1117 titled “Twin Flames (Higher Self/Heart Intelligence)” (you can watch it here), and in the video (I’m going to paraphrase), she states that of course we are not going to have the easiest and smoothest of communication and reunification with our twin if we have a lot of negative thinking about him or her. Part of me replied in my head and to my TF’s higher self, “Yeah, but it is kind of hard to have a lot of positive thoughts when he has acted like a genuine asshole!” My TF’s higher self indicated “fair enough” in my mind and apologized and assented, “Yes indeed, he’s been a bit of an asshole.” It can’t be denied and I would have really crappy boundaries if I brushed the treatment off and said it wasn’t a big deal.

But I did realize that if I am going to further the process, I have to look at not why I don’t like My Twin — these are the 3D expressions of brokenness and dysfunction. Instead, I have to focus on the things that make me love him to death.

They (my guidance team, mostly comprised of my higher self and my twin’s) challenged me to write him a love letter, and to do it here. I am to explain why it is that I am attracted to him, and why it is that I could possibly desire him to be the twin.

The “white booklet” for the deck also says for the Fool card, “Kill others with kindness and let them suffer the consequences for their actions.” I think writing such a love letter here, putting it out into the energetic source field, and merging into a more compassionate place is what I am meant to do.

Before I go into writing the love letter, however, I need to express and get off my chest why this is such a very difficult thing in this moment.

I found out today, for sure, that my twin has moved back to the U.S. for good, it appears, anyway, to live in another state than I am in (he’s in the Lone Star one, where he was born and lived until he was 12 after which he moved to the state I’m currently living in). He is moving back to property he owns there, to his brother and his nephew (who is just a couple of years younger — long story. Not mine to share here) and other relatives, and to his fiancée, the Karmic Soulmate (KS, as I refer to her on this blog). There were lots of loving words between them on social media as he reached U.S. soil today and I believe in a couple of days he’ll be processed out of his job (maybe he is going somewhere else with the company, I don’t know — but there were comments on social media about his coming back to the U.S. “for good”).

It’s really hard to watch this 3D stuff and think, “I know so much is happening as a Blue Ray Twin, and as an Indigo 3 contract soul — I have been almost guaranteed reunion will be occurring by March 2017 — February is promising. But hell if it looks like it is going our way on the 3D surface.” My faith in this process is having to work overtime. I’m super weary, and we haven’t even reached the 9/9/9 (September 9, 2016) and Jupiter moving in to Libra for the next 13 months (beginning on 9/9). Big things seem to happen for me and my twin when Jupiter and Venus are together, and with Venus ruling Libra, I know this is an important aspect for us.

It’s difficult because my twin has been liking a lot of p0)rn (messing with that on purpose) on Tumblr, his political and patriotic views skeeve me out, and I keep thinking, “THERE IS JUST NO WAY” that we are ever going to harmonize. He’d have to be struck by lightning and have a total change is how I have been thinking of it. It would take a major miracle for us to come together at this point, it seems.

However, I have been “convicted” (that’s how they used to put it in religious circles in which I used to walk when someone was confronted with a sin) it is this thinking that is getting in the way of progress, as I am told by higher guidance and through the Sonnet1117 video. It is my being disturbed by having been rejected in favor of the KS, with whom I have so much in common (according to what she shares on social media) it isn’t even funny, that is getting in the way of progress. It is my being disturbed by their being together that is getting in the way of progress. It is my being disturbed by all the disturbing things he’s liked on the Tumblr page. Progress is being disturbed by my asking, “Why him?” and “Why isn’t he ‘nicer’?”

Funny. We both like the band Disturbed. But I digress. I feel I am to write about not  the things that disturb me in the bad way, but the things that disturb me in a good way and make me love him, no matter what. So here goes.

♠♠♠

Dear Twin (I’m thinking of your name right now, but I am not brave enough to write it here. I’m not ready to come out of the closet here),

I need to write about all of the ways that I love you, all of the things I perceive from your soul, and all of the things which have caused me to persist in what sometimes feels like a fool’s errand.

Instead of seeing it as a fool’s errand, I am supposed to confess what it is that I care about so with you.

I think when it comes right down to it, it is the connection we clearly have that makes me love you. I know we are connected in a very special way, and there is something inside of me that wants to honor that connection above all things.

It is the honoring of the connection that has made me respect the space with your KS and with making sure to not message her with any of the things you were saying and doing with me while also pursuing her. I mean, you did pick her for now anyway, so it would just make me look like a jerk if I did try to step in and try to control things. But I never have done this, even when I was tempted.

I am headed in to negative territory, aren’t I. Redirect.

I honor our connection.

I felt it for the first time in 9th grade when I first understood you were “checking me out” or whatever we said about that kind of thing in 1982. I was a complete innocent, so I really did not know how to handle it except with shyness, which must have seemed like a rejection at the time. I remember that “golden boy” smile you had, the kind that could magically charm the pants off of more than one young lady, I’m sure. I remember not feeling good enough nor brave enough to meet your advances, but I did try to say hi to you every day we had Earth Science out at that temporary classroom in the student parking lot.

Then you became super sporty and popular and while you were visible to me in the school, I went in a different direction.

I always thought you were very masculine and very good looking, though.

When you connected with me on social media in 2010, 24 years after I had seen you last, you wrote me a message. I appreciated your words to me.  I was with my fiance at the time and so I was questioning a little bit, “Why is he writing this?” and I wondered if you were having a mid-life crisis. But it was sweet.

2-17-2010
The message in 2010

There was the time you were going to be passing through my European city in 2012 and wanted to say hello in person at the airport. I couldn’t — there was no feasible way. But I wonder now what would have happened if I had chosen to do so.

♠♠♠

I paused this letter right now to view our FB messages since 2010 and I discovered that a couple of them happened at 11:11. I mean, I counted two where 11:11 comes up specifically and one at 11:12. What’s interesting is what messages they were. In one, I’d had a dream about you and you replied at 11:11 about it. In another, I’d messaged truther information about 9/11 to you. The one at 11:12 was about the past life where I saw who you were to me in that lifetime. I’m astounded. I never noticed this before. I find this reassuring. There were also a couple of significant other times: 11:55 and 11:33.

You know, when I look at all those really nice exchanges we had, and think about the six weeks we spent together when I was helping you out with your health situation, the way we can talk to one another is so easy. I have always felt respected by you when speaking in person, I have felt listened to, and you have this amazing way of making me feel understood and also knowing exactly the thing I need to hear when I have a problem.

I have felt so at home with you. You feel like Home. I feel peaceful and comfortable in your presence.

I feel understood by you because you have lived in other countries and experienced a lot of various things that I have, too, from those experiences.

I appreciate the way you are thoughtful and romantic to your fiancée and how respectful you are to her by not trying to be in communication with me while you are loving her.

I love your body. I love the way you made me feel when we were together.

I love your laughter and your smile. I love the funny things you like to watch and the funny puns you say and jokes you tell.

I love that we have similar taste in music, movies, and television. Thank you for introducing me to two of my most favorite series, ever.

I remember how I held your head in my lap when you were suffering in pain, and there was something in me that felt so real, so connected to you. I’m crying thinking about it.

♠♠♠

Connection. I feel the connection. It’s how I know. I think of you as feeling like Home. It’s how I know.

A miracle is supposed to arrive within the next five months. In the meantime, I feel you will be getting married and setting up a home and a life several hundred miles away. But your higher self reminds me that the connection we share is timeless, and without distance nor dimension. It is continual from his vantage point. And all is well.

I love you.

♠♠♠

There. It’s not great. But I did feel a shift within from writing it, especially about that part when I held his head in my lap when he was injured and in pain.

I’m not feeling much better about the 3D status quo, but then I really don’t know anyone doing this journey right now who is feeling really good about it.

I’m hoping all of the predictions of the people tuned into the twin journey are correct about this month. But I have been steeling myself for the other shoe to fall…

Just as I wrote that, I noticed this in the corner of the computer:

19

More of the 19s. I see them so often now. I see them over and over again. I wish I understood more of what the number 19 means.

Interesting. My friend on social media mentioned that it means the “Prince of Heaven.” I just Googled and found this:

“Number 19 is called as the prince of heaven in many vedic [sic] scriptures as well as The Ideal Lover. Number 19 is the ideal lover in numerology, this is the most unique aspect of this number.” (Source)

I also found this:

“Number 19 – The Prince of Heaven – 19 is one of the most fortunate and favorable of all Compound numbers. It is symbolized as the Sun, and is called the Prince of Heaven because it indicates victory over all temporal failure and disappointment. It blesses the person represented by it with all of the power of the Compound number 10, without the danger of abuse inherent in the 10. This number promises happiness and fulfillment–success in all ventures as well as in the personal life. The 19 will smooth the path and greatly dilute any negative vibrations one must deal with in the full numerological analysis.” (Source)

This is encouraging.

This post is very long, and given that it is as long as it is, I will close with this:

With the movement of Jupiter into Libra, “we’ll see the re-framing of things, that changes everything, and opens the way to real harmony. There could be a re-balancing of the narrative, that brings it in line with what’s fair and true. This could restore faith, another promise of Jupiter.” (Source)

May unification begin here in the physical realm. So mote it be.

Over and out.

Calliope the Muse

 

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