Well, sometimes we can be wrong…

I’ve got to head in to my job in just a few, so this will be short. In my prior post “Oh bother” I described how ashamed I was feeling for having some kind of weird connection to YouTuber Dude (I need to think of another nickname… but let’s go with YTD for now) and it’s because I have triggers around so many things. The whole situation has made me feel like a pre-teen. My higher self is also throwing into the mix as she led me to a blog post he’d written where I wrote a comment so long it wouldn’t be accepted by the comment field, and I felt compelled to send another email.

(I can see you shaking your head in that way that indicates I’m nuts and thinking, “Why did she do that?”)

I explained in the email I was starting to feel like a stalker. The irony was that his post was about someone who had accused him of the same, and so I wrote a plea within the email to say to please not think of me in that way. (In my defense, I really had information from “above” to share, guided by HS & Co. and it wasn’t all ego-driven. Not to say that some of it wasn’t! I’m in a body on this planet, so yeah. There is ego in *everything.*)

The comment/message was about how I can clearly see this person YTD is a twin from the things he had written. (But I wrote about 5,000 more words to say that, lol.)

I emailed it off and actually got a very nice reply saying that he appreciates the honest thoughts, and happy that the content he has (books, videos, etc.) is awakening things for me, and how he genuinely appreciates the feedback. He also said that he’s take a closer look when he is not so busy and respond when he gets a chance.

Apparently in Guy Speak, sometimes “I’m busy” just means “I’m busy.”

Dammit, but I have a lot of shadow work to do still, lol. Taking a good look at what is being mirrored from other people is a pain in the ass. As I suppose it should be. (It’s kind of the point, isn’t it.)

Time to run, but I wanted to set the record straight that I was wrong about the YTD not giving a shit. I’m sorry, YTD. I have a lot of triggers. *sigh*

More later, I am sure.

Over and out.

Calliope the Muse

Oh bother.


Source: here

Oh mother fucking shit.

Today is the 10-10 Portal and it feels identical to a Mercury retrograde to me. Everything feels off-kilter tonight. I had so much trouble focusing on work today. I think about all the mental and situational horror of 2016 so far (from Bowie’s death on January 10 to the more personal situations of the TF 2.0 and his “I don’t want a relationship but oh yeah I do just not with you” bidness, to the incident I wrote about last where his blatant, ugly racism made me say to the universe, “NOPE.” Like this kind of NOPE: Continue reading “Oh bother.”

Ten Years On

October 6, 2006 was a threshold moment for me.

I was in the Dallas, Texas area and it was the starting point of my life shattering as I embarked, with conscious awareness, on the twin flame journey and my awakening.

I’ve been a spiritual person always: from early childhood encounters with the divine, to a 15-year stint in Christianity as a baby-adult, but by 2006 at the age of 38, I had left all the religion behind and started to engage with a relationship with the self and the universe. I realized that there was much more to life than met the eye and I was ready to interact with what that “much” and “more” entailed.

As a person who grew up with a lot of “boundary violations,” I found myself in a relationship with a narcissist (his own mom has identified him as one, too –a minor miracle in my life when she realized this was the case). I was attracted to and attracted by narcissists, and he was my second spouse.

But my soul was starting to break away and I was starting to find myself again: my wants and needs, my interests and desires. These actions are a huge threat for a narcissist who has come to expect that the relationship serve him and his needs, alone.

In my exploration of myself and the universe, I violated boundaries as well: it’s what I knew, right?

On October 6, 2006, what was brewing into a whole hot mess exploded like a burrito overcooked in a microwave, and I officially began a journey, a Kundalini awakening, and the rediscovery of myself.

Fast forward to the Black Moon of September 30th, 2016. Note that I am on TF version 2.0 (there were also versions 1.5 and maybe 1.8 — something about being a twin, I am discovering, is that I AM the twin, I carry the twin energy, so I am really seeing how I see a potential twin in EVERY man I interact with to some degree of depth — cue rueful laughter here! But it is because I, myself, am the twin. It’s taken me a while and a few experiences to figure this out).

Well, the universe decided to give me resolution — a resolution for which I had prayed and done a lot of energy clearing work in past weeks. I had asked regarding TF 2.0 (I’ve blogged about him upon reopening this blog in recent posts), “Please, I need to know if it is him or not, and if not, let him have served his purpose as I deeply desire to move on, move forward and find my path with the one who is my physical counterpart…” (I know — I had decided he was, without a doubt, my TF. So sue me. I’m learning that nothing is set in stone on this journey.)

In my struggles with trying to understand how such a man as TF 2.0 could be my twin (check out the previous posts here at what type of person he is), earlier this summer I actually had a visualization of another — a much more ideal man, a possible soulmate with whom to build a better relationship than seems possible with TF 2.0, unless TF 2.0 experiences an event like a literal lightning bolt to the body and has a walk-in arrive.

The new man in my vision was/is a tall, blond hippie-type. I had seen him so clearly in my head, and I was having visions of doing things with him around my city, meeting up and having a kind of partnership. I even went so far as to see if I could find pictures of similar people online just to get a kind of “visual confirmation” of the man I was seeing in my head.

With some shock, I realized a couple of weeks ago (maybe a month after the visions) that I had actually *seen* this man before, or someone who looks a lot like him and carries a very similar energy. He’s a YouTuber I have been subscribed to for a couple of years. I don’t know if it is actually him who I saw in my visions, but I do know he is much more of the type of enlightened man that is in complete contrast to TF 2.0, and much like who I was seeing in my mind.

Meanwhile, on September 29, I was checking out my twin’s social media, as I had been doing all summer as my higher self would show me the various places where he was hanging out online. I found one repository for posts and “likes” of his on Tumblr. What saw on the night of September 29 irrevocably changed the entire dynamic in my mind with “TF” 2.0.

There was a video he posted and a GIF image which he’d “liked,” both of which are so heinous, racist, disgusting, and offensive, I had a completely visceral reaction of a complete “NO” within every part of my being. The items were “white supremacist” in nature, and were really abhorrent — I am not exaggerating. It was truly awful stuff.

I do not care if he is my “real twin,” what I saw was a final straw for the physical embodiment of this man. I cannot, under any circumstances, unsee what I saw, I cannot resonate at all with what he posted, and I cannot possibly engage with someone who has beliefs or interests such as his. I was somewhat forgiving of the other crap he’s into — some of it seemed redeemable. But I can’t get past what I saw and felt about what I saw.

In my mind, I declared to the universe that NO, only over my dead body would I unite with a human in that condition (that’s a gross thought. Sorry. But you know what I mean: I cannot, I will not, unite in physicality with such). I will hold him up in love, but from a DISTANCE, and I declare an end to any further engagement with him.

I didn’t unfriend on Facebook this time. I just stopped following. I have not really been back to social media in the past week, but for once or twice, which considering I was checking a few times a day (I know. But then those of you on this journey know, too…), it’s negligible. I actually have lost a great deal of any desire to “check in” and see what he is up to.

Something inside of me shifted, and I felt something new born on the 30th with the New Moon, the Black Moon. It was pretty damn huge. I feel like I am in a new timeline, something that’s happened only a couple of times on this journey. Something HUGE happened with that New Moon.

I believe that perhaps the lessons have been learned with TF v. 2.0. I think it is possible that I am on to version 3.0, or perhaps re-framing the entire journey into something “else.” I am not sure what, yet.

Here is what happened in my head:

Old, crappy blender versus new, amazing Vitamix

(Image source 1: here. Image source 2: here.)

The metaphor goes like this: I want to make smoothies (TF journey and union). Because an old crappy blender can make basic smoothies, I was looking at the fact that TF 2.0 was “a blender.” He wasn’t a hammer, or a screwdriver, or a shoe, or a whisk, or a hand mixer. He was, in fact, a blender! I could see that he was a blender (a soul connection), and I thought I’d be making smoothies with him, but maybe after he had that bad motor fixed and some new wiring. Not much, right? (*wink*) My higher self encouraged this thought with the story that he’d have a major awakening, a complete shift in the head, and that it might come about with a NDE or some other sort of thing like that.

With (re)discovering the much more Spiritual Man, let’s call  him the YouTuber Dude, who is similar to the person about whom I had been having visions, I realized that someone like him is a Vitamix! Perhaps out of my reach as it’s expensive and I don’t know if I am capable nor worthy of having one like it (ah ha — see where the new issue is to work on?), the Vitamix is specially designed to make smoothies! How about that! It’s much more of what I want and need to make smoothies. A Vitamix is a specialist at smoothies, in fact, and don’t need any “work” at all. Maybe just to wake up to being a twin as well…

I am tired of the Fixer-Upper Alleged Twin Flames. I have seen and understood that the Vitamix exists. And whether the Vitamix is the TF or not, I want to make smoothies with it.

I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I’m typing this fast. I have been meaning to write about it for a week, but the only time I have had is now, before work on a Thursday morning, on the anniversary of the beginning of this hero/heroine’s journey. I gotta go get in the shower. I’m rushing. I’m not even going to have time to edit this, really.

I have to run. You all (whoever is reading this, lol — if anyone still is!) be well. I’ll keep you posted as to what, if anything, moves and shifts in this story.

Over and out.

Calliope the Muse

The Million Dollar Question

million dollar question
Image source: Urban Dictionary, definition of “million dollar question”

I was reminded today that when the man I think is my twin text messaged me on my phone for the first time ever in 2012, it was at 11:11 pm. I was so taken aback, as I was calmly tucked in bed, not thinking of much, and my (then-clamshell-style phone) buzzed into my quietude, I opened the phone, and BAM. 11:11 stared at me and caused my heart to leap and then pound. There was something that was excited inside of my heart in that moment. “Could it be…?” I wondered.

Continue reading “The Million Dollar Question”

Get prepared with your cosmic Kleenex…

… the cosmic sneeze is coming! Or maybe we could call it the “Galactic Central Sun Orgasm.” That actually fits what I am seeing and feeling, and just like a buildup to the climax, I am feeling the signs we are going to experience it “soon.”

But first, check out these great images here.

I’m going to share a couple here.

Original Image Source, The Guardian, Jan. 18, 2013. Photograph: Hubble Space telescope/NASA/ESA. Go to the page for the full caption.

I’m having an interesting morning. Yesterday I got a huge download of information that I felt was given in this time, just after the energy push from the September 1st New Moon and solar eclipse. I, and others, feel that it opened the “third wave” of awakening flow of energy to the planet, which I have visualized and seen as initial particles of light streaming our way since April of this year, but which is now a steady and large stream, kind of like a galactic fire hose, blasting our way.

It’s color is like this photo from the same source as above:

Original image source, The Guardian, Jan. 18, 2013. Photograph: XMM-Newton/ESA

But the light is a solid “tube” streaming our way, like a giant spotlight lighting up the sky, and also more opaque and white-light, as in the first image above. If you could combine the photos and picture a stream just like from a fire hose, but large, enveloping the planet, that is what I see.

Since April — probably around the last week — I have been seeing a combination of numbers with 19 in them. First, I was seeing 5/19 and 5:19. This is my birthday, so I wondered if there would be some kind of auspicious event that day. It turns out there may have been a major timeline shift to the primary Ascension timeline on that day. There are a couple of people I follow (one of whom is spurious, but I get some indication from some of the things she posts. I’m not going to name her here as I really don’t often resonate with her negative assessment of the “status quo” and I suspect her “sources”) who seem to feel this was the case around that time and on that specific day.

I also thought I might get a “Happy Birthday” from my twin, but it was the first year in six years that he did not message me on my birthday. It was quite a contrast from the prior years.

The odd thing is that I have kept seeing 19 since that time. It’s been happening a lot at 4:19, with the price of gas all over town being $2.19 for a few weeks at some stations I pass by, and also in other circumstances. The 19 has become as ubiquitous as the 11:11 in my life along with :44 past the hour and 444. (It’s 7:22 as I type that, lol. I see the 2’s a lot, also.)

kitty sneeze
The most original source I could find (it’s all over Pinterest and Tumblr as re-pins and blogs) is here.

I have been following 2012Portal since April of 2012. This is one of the first places I first heard of what was coming as “The Event” but it was really good folk like Denise LeFay, whose blog Transitions I started reading in 2007 (she posts frequently at High Heart Life as well), and her introduction to Lisa Renee of Energetic Synthesis that led to my “second awakening” in late 2011 (around the 11/11/11), and is why I started this blog. You can go back to the original posts here to see that trajectory.

One reason I am back posting here is because of all the developments in my Twin Flame journey and the simple fact that my higher guidance wants me to. Well, my Twin Flame tale and The Event have now converged, and I wanted to report what I have seen.

Whenever I have given thought to “The Event” I have sensed certain things. At this point, I am not going to explain much of what it is. I’d say “Google It” because there is a lot of decent information online about it, but I do feel that much of what Cobra writes at 2012Portal is spot on with it. There are others I trust as sources, too, but he’s been the most succinct as far as the actual events that are to surround The Event — the complete reset of the planet after we receive a divinely-timed and Source-driven blast from the Galactic Central Sun.

I have envisioned the Cosmic Sneeze as the same kind of light I am seeing in the “tube / fire hose” of light that is streaming over the planet now, but like the flash of a nuclear explosion, only constructive and full of love instead of destructive and full of hate. It has the quality of an EMP pulse as well — the kind that can disrupt electronics.

Whenever I envision this happening, I have usually been on the campus of my university in a time frame where the weather is fairly nice. I have seen in my mind’s eye where I am when it happens. There’s a particular location I have seen myself as it happens.

I understand that after the “sneeze” all life will transform, and that Disclosure will occur about our galactic neighbors, about 9/11 and who really caused it, about the cabal and the Italianate families who control all the money on the planet…

And this is where we get to my twin.

I’ll show you something he pinned on Pinterest:

2nd amendment
The image shared on Pinterest links back to this Facebook group – Sons & Sisters of the 2nd

Just to counterbalance this image really quickly, I am going to post this one that popped up on my Pinterest as I was searching for the above one:

karina moreira mother earth
I cannot find the original source of this artwork, which is all over Pinterest. The captions there say, Earth Mother Goddess Gaia by Karina Moreira.

I am going to try to speed through the rest of this as I have an appointment to be to, but it is important that I write my thoughts as I am channeling them through quickly. Mercury Retrograde makes this hard, lol.

Basically, these two images demonstrate my twin and me. He is working overseas in a military capacity (as a contractor) . He is anti-Muslim, pro-gun, a self-defined patriot, etc. etc. I hope you can intuit this kind of person.

He posted yesterday about how we should never forget 9/11, and how too many have forgotten why we still have men and women overseas in Central Asia and the Middle East. I think he is doing this because he is trying to bolster his reasons for his transfer to a less-desirable location. Think: sand, camel spiders, tan color everywhere, very hot, allied country. I don’t feel comfortable giving too many details here. A person has to have some hefty belief to voluntarily be somewhere like that, regardless of pay. He romanticizes military life and the military personality. He idolizes redneck America, bikes, bacon, boobs, guns… We could not be more diametrically-opposed personalities in ego, but hey, whaddaya know, apparently we share a soul. It is what it is.

I have for years in my twin flame tale known about the “shakubuku.” I posted about it a couple of entries ago here.

After my twin posted the business about 9/11, my higher guidance team said to me, “That is part of the shakubuku — full disclosure about what 9/11 really was and who really did it.”

I realized indeed that YES, everything my twin has been about will be called into question — all of his beliefs and choices and current job. I realized that with the release of this information, it would indeed be like the Tower card in the Tarot! Perhaps he does not need to have an NDE to question everything and get information that I am the twin, it may be that his whole entire psyche is *rocked* because of all the truths that will out in the apocalypse of information that will flow our way after the sneeze.

Also from The Guardiansame article as cited above. Photo: Hubble Space Telescope/NASA/ESA.

I felt this all so deeply inside, and understood what is happening with this Third Wave of awakening. My twin is going to wake up. See, I am a part of the accelerated Indigo 3 contract of Ascension as a Blue Ray Illumined Twin. Even I don’t know all that those words mean, lol, I just know that they ARE. If I am one of those, then so is my twin, and I know somewhere in me that he is to awaken very soon because of this contract. It may extend well past March of 2017, but I do not think so. Based on my visions of the weather when the galactic blast reaches us, it’s got to be either fall or spring. I see green leaves when I envision it, so it has to be before the leaves turn (as in, imminently) or it will be next spring, when the leaves return after falling and being bare for the winter.

I don’t know.

I messaged a Soul SisStar I know on Facebook, and was writing to her about some of this. I told her I had a convergence of my twin info and timeline and a coordination with The Event.

I also see so many of us in a circle in the higher realms, soul sisters and brothers. I see us holding hands and smiling, and I see us feeling so very prepared for what is to come to us very, very soon! I know, it’s been “soon” for over four years, but especially since the 12/21/12. I understand. But I am feeling this coordination and convergence of my “stories” more at the heart level than ever before. I don’t think it is simply “wishful thinking.” My Seer Abilities are stronger than ever. I see AND feel these things in my high heart chakra, which expanded a bunch after just typing this.

I think we are very, very close.

I kind of hope so, because with the stuff that my twin has been posting and liking on his various accounts… ugh. The programming of abuse and the dysfunctional masculine energy is at a high with him right now. My soul knows that he is a victim of the programming as much as I am, maybe a little more because of the trauma in his background and the wounds to his various bodies (etheric, astral, physical) as well as the psychic damage he lives with. It’s pretty dark, so much so that I have been thinking and talking to my higher self (HS) and saying, “Nooooooooo, not THIS guy. Nope.” But we don’t get to choose the personality, do we. It just is, and they were choices we made at the soul level, so it is all Good. When I am in my heart, I Know. And it is fine.

I have to go now. I could write more and proofread, but no time at the moment. Must dash. I hope this helps my friend. I hope that my writing this helps me and my twin in the future.

All I can say in closing is, “Buckle up, Buttercup.”

Over and out.

Calliope the Muse



Eating Crow Pie

eating crow
Image Source

So, in my most recent post a few days ago, I wrote the following:

I have heard nothing since, and as I know he is now engaged (he’s not written this, but I saw a ring on his KS*’s finger and she posts wedding stuff all the time on Pinterest), I don’t expect to hear anything at all any time soon. I am, on the surface of things, a persona non grata in his eyes. (emphasis added)

Well, I heard from the TF. I am not a persona non grata. *eating crow pie*

Here’s how it happened.

The TF has left his post overseas to go to another one. It appears through data I saw from social media that it was not voluntary, but that he was “let go” of one position and is either accepting another, or is in transition to coming back to the U.S. As a result, he is active on Facebook and Messenger because of his new location.

I saw he was on Facebook yesterday, and received a clear and strong direction to message him “NOW” and I recognized the direction of my Soul in it. So, I reached out on Facebook with a small and friendly message on Messenger, and it was received very well and very kindly. It was a brief exchange, but satisfactory, respectful, and kind. I felt like it was a bit of (maybe a *lot* of) a sign that I have been doing my work. I’m actually in a bit of disbelief about it, still (“Did that even happen?!”). I even had a dream the night before this happened about him (where he walked off on me in a situation, lol — had to laugh at that). Anyway. It is more “chop wood, carry water” as my job situation is in tatters (it is interesting that his is changing right now, too).

I know have a lot more work to do. I know I need to continue to let go of the outcome. I am doing that to the best of my ability. But what was so cool was to see the evidence that the hard work *does* pay off, letting go *does* pay off, and walking the tightrope of surrendering the outcome but connecting through the heart *does* work. I’m beginning to think there is something to this eclipse dealio that is happening today, too 😉 (I’m saying that a little tongue-in-cheek. Last year’s Blood Moon eclipse was a doozy. It’s when my TF and his KS got together). I’ve gone back into “Surrender Mode” (I know that is the best place to be), but my whole being is saying, “Huh. Whaddaya know?”

KEEP DOING THE WORK. As they say in AA, “It works if you work it.” Yup.

I will keep you posted. Only forward.

*KS = karmic soulmate

The TF Struggle Bus

I am on the struggle bus tonight.

The Twin Flame Struggle Bus

I’m not even sure where to begin. It’s been about 10 weeks since my last post, and a lot has happened with how the summer has progressed in my TF tale.

In July, my TF joined his karmic soulmate (KS) at her home after going on leave from his job overseas. This was on the July 4th weekend. For five weeks, I watched as they posted the fun things they were doing on social media until he went back to his job overseas at the beginning of August.

The last couple of weeks of June (my last post was on June 14), I was shown many things that allegedly were going on with the TF and his KS. I was led to observe things on social media, and discern what was going on. I was led to write a few messages via email to my TF on June 5, 11, 16, and 19th (the last one I sent, besides one FB comment and a few likes, which I have stopped as of this week). In this time, I also wrote the post here  — it was a very active time just after the New Moon on June 4. I felt that my HS and Co. were asking me and guiding me to be in communication this way during this time frame.

The June 5 message was a confession/explanation I was given by HS and Co. to tell  him we are definitely TFs. On June 11, I sent a Tarot reading that I was prompted to do and share. June 16 was a short message to say nothing woo-woo but that I was thinking about him. June 19 there were a couple of messages, one that was expressing a blessed Full Moon solstice to him, and also a clip from Braveheart where Murron (Marian) MacClannough comes to him in a dream and says to “Wake up.”

At last, on July 2, just before he returned to the U.S., I sent a message about the movie Gladiator. The last time I heard from him, on March 3, was about his watching this film.

I have heard nothing since, and as I know he is now engaged (he’s not written this, but I saw a ring on his KS’s finger and she posts wedding stuff all the time on Pinterest), I don’t expect to hear anything at all any time soon. I am, on the surface of things, a persona non grata in his eyes. (I’m about to be really mean here, but I don’t even think he’d know what that is. So sharp and astute about so many things, language is not one of those things. He writes “kewl” for “cool” for chrissakes. Who does that?! I know, I know — I am supposed to move into non-judgement and unconditional love. I have a hard time doing that with my shared-soul counterpart in certain areas. That and he posted something from Sarah Palin’s FB page the other day. GAAAAAHHHHH. So gross I can’t handle it at times.)

YES. I am well aware this sounds like stalker shit, and in a way it is. It’s been something my HS and Co. have had me to in order to figure out my next steps of purging and processing and…


I am now in a serious phase of letting go. It started a couple of weeks ago when I consulted with Sonia Evans of 10 of Cups Ministries. I’m not going to link back here because I want this to remain anonymous, but for anyone who may read this, I can say she is an excellent healer and I am so glad I contacted her. Just type in 10ofcupsministries and add a “dot org” at the end and you are all set. Her YouTube channel is amazing, too, by the way. I can tell that there is an inner shift when working with her and her material, even if I have not seen the physical manifestation of the work, yet.

The hardest part, though, the part that has me on the struggle bus at the moment, is confronting my inner high heart and its knowledge, versus what I see in the 3D, which is a TF that is less-than-stellar (he’s a bit of an asshole, truth be told). Plus there is that he is with a KS.

Right now, today, it’s the anniversary of when they got together and decided to be in a relationship.

Most of 2015, I was writing my TF regularly via email while he was in his job location overseas. It’s a tough location, fraught with violence. Things got weird in July 2015, when he was engaging in sexual banter with me until one day he popped up and, as best as I can remember (I’ve since deleted the correspondence via a chat and phone app), was adamant about “not wanting a relationship with anyone.” As it was, we mended some fences after I had “email words” with him about how we were technically “in a relationship” as we were engaging in a relationship as friends, but not an exclusive dating-style one, I knew. He knows there is a soul connection, though, and I was referring to this when I said he was writing B.S. about “not being in a relationship” with me. I know now to call it a “connection” and not a relationship, since there is nothing normal about relating to a TF. It is not a “ship” upon which to have a relation, it is more like a mostly-unwanted connection that is souped up with karmic debris and the “fear mirror” — seeing all your worst fears mirrored in the person’s actions towards you. Except that it is also DEEPLY wanted, because the soul knows what the soul knows, and like it or not, this being walking around in a meat suit happens to have your very soul wrapped up in their container of a body.

We got together physically (not sexually, but I mean face-to-face) for the first time since May 2014 almost on the date of the Lion’s Gate (8/8, but we met on the night of 8/7) of 2015. We talked for hours, went bar hopping, had a deep conversation about how we both recognized there was such a strong connection. He asked me where I thought things were going, and I said that we needed to stay in touch and see what the future held. I “saw” him in it.

By August 27, he was letting me know he’d met the parents of “his girl” and on August 30, he informed me they were in a relationship.

That was exactly one year ago.

I’ve been struggling with re-feeling the pain, the surprise and shock, the rejection. It’s continued this past year to be an opportunity to purge, to transmute, to overcome, to focus on myself, to love unconditionally (which I find really, really, really hard when he has been a real ass to me, plus the whole “kewl” thing and its ilk).

I have been learning so much about how to negotiate this TF path. But I have to say I am so good and goddamn tired of the past decade of being on this path, and seeing no earthly 3D results except painful experience after painful experience. There have been some doozies, too, like being pulled away from my youngest son for four years. Two divorces. The past four years of dealing with “this guy” who is a flake, and who has been emerging as my TF slowly but certainly since October 2012 and who has caused no ending of disappointment after disappointment. I hate that I am so attracted (and by this I mean “magnetically drawn”) to him, like I can’t even help it…

For the first time in a long while, thoughts crossed my mind about ending the struggle. As in: purposely getting off the struggle bus and heading back “up there” to return for another round of “down here.” You know. *makes motion of drawing finger across neck to indicate death and a gurgling sound in my throat*

I haven’t felt that way in a fairly long time, long enough that I forgot how despair can feel so naked, painful, and raw. It’s the feeling that you just want to STOP, at any cost, with any method.

At this current moment that I am writing, I’m over the worst of it, I think. And as soon as we get over this upcoming New Moon eclipse and eclipse season, I think the pressure will be somewhat off (god/dess I hope so). I came close, though. I was having “ideations” about how and where to do it. I started to think about how to close social media accounts and how to write to people about my need to exit.

It’s been a bad week.

There are other small things such as joblessness and rent being due that are pressing on me, too. You know, just small stuff. (LOL. Obvs. written in sarcasm font.)

This is truly a difficult phase. The 3D person of my TF makes me think that I have had it all wrong, that there is no way he could be the TF and there is no way he is going to leave the KS. (And really, would I even want him to? He’s not exactly feeling like a “prize” I want to “win.” It’s more like, “She can have him because: ewww.”). My continued lack of a mission and lack of prosperity has had me thinking that I am doing it all wrong, and that there is nothing I can do to create a better situation for myself and that none of this is EVER GOING TO HAPPEN because it is just impossible.

A year ago, during the eclipse season last September (the Blood Moon one) I was given a story about my TF about what was going to happen in the future. I thought it was going to be this year, earlier in the year (from February to July), but I’m shown it might be in the next few months when he is overseas (until February of next year, if he follows the same schedule as before). I was told that I need to be prepared for the TF and KS to possibly get married — and that for sure they would be engaged, which I see is the case now (a year later).

But it was what I was told after that which causes me to “wait and see.”

I helped the TF through a very harrowing medical experience back in 2014. We spent around 6 weeks daily together in a very intense situation with an injury to his back and I was helping him night and day with this injury until he could have surgery. We bonded in this time, and I was shocked at how after a total of 12 weeks (the weeks before and after his surgery totaled 12) more or less in a “relationship” (or a very intense experience where I could feel his love and appreciation), he said he did not want a relationship at that time — that he did not want to be in anything exclusive with me, even after what had transpired.  I backed out that time, knowing I deserved much, much better than he could give and I was not going to just be a “good time girl.” He completely flaked on me, and I was not going to be caught up in the humiliation of that. There’s more — my son was also hospitalized at the end that time, and the TF seemed to not give a shit about it. It was pretty gross the way he bailed…

But I completely bonded to him in that time. I didn’t know he was the TF, but in hindsight, I can see there were indications that he was (also, I still believed that my third ex was my TF at that time. I was expecting a “divine counterpart” at best, and I didn’t see that this person — the man about whom I am writing now — could be anything other than perhaps a karmic situation).

I was told in September 2015 that he is going to be injured overseas, maybe in a similar way as he was in early 2014 (i.e., back trouble). I have been shown it will be like a lightning bolt to his head. Maybe a literal one? I do not know. I’m always shown the Tower card from the Tarot in regards to this. It could be an actual lightning bolt. It could be an explosion of some kind (possible in his location).

What I was told is that it will be a Shakubuku — a “swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.” (See here.)

“They” (HS & Co.) said that it would be a situation of contrast between how I treated him during his injury and how either the KS or others treat him; essentially, that he will “wake up” to the nature of our having one soul; he will realize the truth of it, and will see everything clearly for what it is and his reality will be altered forever. It’s possible he is going to have an NDE, which, given his current work location, is not a stretch to believe.

However, I’m honestly at the point where I think that I made this all up (the whole, huge Chipotle-sized burrito) and that there is no way that this could happen. It’s just wishful thinking – the kind of wishful thinking that only the spurned in limerence have.


I linked it in above. Check it out, though:

Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated….Limerence has been defined by one writer as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest”. (Wikipedia, “Limerence”)

I mean, wow. Doesn’t that sound like most people claiming they have TFs? Doesn’t that sound a LOT like me in this post here?

It’s gross, IMO. Limerence is slimy, covered in boogers and mucus. It’s the female version of Pepé le Pew; it is clingy, disgusting obsessiveness.

I have to say that this is a lot of what the TF experience is like and I am really trying to let go of it as much as possible. It’s feeling right now that I will never be able to let this go, that I will never clean off the clingy boogers of this whole TF deal, and I hate that my HS & Co. conspires to make sure that I am sticking in limerence in the name of “holding space” and “loving the soul of the TF” and “trying to connect with the 5D version of my TF.”

I mean, REALLY.

My eyes are rolling back so far into my head I am getting a headache.

But fuck me, I hope that damn story is true, and that one day he actually wakes up and realizes. I wish I didn’t. But I do.

The call to let go of this outcome is upon me, though. I was doing okay with that until the anniversary of his getting together with his KS, the trauma of that, plus the trauma of having gotten another TF story (they did this with my TF Catalyst, too — a huge burrito of a FALSE story that led me overseas and away from my kids for four years). I have a lot of triggers around this, can you tell? *rueful laughter*

So I came here to write. I came here to put words to it, to purge myself of these ridiculous tales. To alleviate the pressure that brings such depths of despair.

I don’t even know if anyone is ever going to read this. But I had to get it off my chest, to release it to the universe. Besides, I have felt like recording the whole thing. Just in case.

Meanwhile, I board the struggle bus again tonight. I think it is going to drop me off soon, hopefully in a few days after the eclipses — maybe not until the end of September. I am sure if and when my TF and his KS get married, I will be back here, trying to exorcise the demons again. At least I know that likely won’t be until February as he is overseas until then (unless there is another surprise awaiting me with this. The KS was posting pics of a Christmas wedding on Pinterest at one point. I don’t think he’ll be back, but then he is in limbo with the job and no offer letter as of last week. That may have changed…).

I just want it to stop, though. All of it. I don’t know how much more of this I can take… Meanwhile, I wait, simultaneously letting go and holding on. Breathing in and breathing out, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Over and Out.

Calliope the Muse