I am on the struggle bus tonight.
I’m not even sure where to begin. It’s been about 10 weeks since my last post, and a lot has happened with how the summer has progressed in my TF tale.
In July, my TF joined his karmic soulmate (KS) at her home after going on leave from his job overseas. This was on the July 4th weekend. For five weeks, I watched as they posted the fun things they were doing on social media until he went back to his job overseas at the beginning of August.
The last couple of weeks of June (my last post was on June 14), I was shown many things that allegedly were going on with the TF and his KS. I was led to observe things on social media, and discern what was going on. I was led to write a few messages via email to my TF on June 5, 11, 16, and 19th (the last one I sent, besides one FB comment and a few likes, which I have stopped as of this week). In this time, I also wrote the post here — it was a very active time just after the New Moon on June 4. I felt that my HS and Co. were asking me and guiding me to be in communication this way during this time frame.
The June 5 message was a confession/explanation I was given by HS and Co. to tell him we are definitely TFs. On June 11, I sent a Tarot reading that I was prompted to do and share. June 16 was a short message to say nothing woo-woo but that I was thinking about him. June 19 there were a couple of messages, one that was expressing a blessed Full Moon solstice to him, and also a clip from Braveheart where Murron (Marian) MacClannough comes to him in a dream and says to “Wake up.”
At last, on July 2, just before he returned to the U.S., I sent a message about the movie Gladiator. The last time I heard from him, on March 3, was about his watching this film.
I have heard nothing since, and as I know he is now engaged (he’s not written this, but I saw a ring on his KS’s finger and she posts wedding stuff all the time on Pinterest), I don’t expect to hear anything at all any time soon. I am, on the surface of things, a persona non grata in his eyes. (I’m about to be really mean here, but I don’t even think he’d know what that is. So sharp and astute about so many things, language is not one of those things. He writes “kewl” for “cool” for chrissakes. Who does that?! I know, I know — I am supposed to move into non-judgement and unconditional love. I have a hard time doing that with my shared-soul counterpart in certain areas. That and he posted something from Sarah Palin’s FB page the other day. GAAAAAHHHHH. So gross I can’t handle it at times.)
YES. I am well aware this sounds like stalker shit, and in a way it is. It’s been something my HS and Co. have had me to in order to figure out my next steps of purging and processing and…
I am now in a serious phase of letting go. It started a couple of weeks ago when I consulted with Sonia Evans of 10 of Cups Ministries. I’m not going to link back here because I want this to remain anonymous, but for anyone who may read this, I can say she is an excellent healer and I am so glad I contacted her. Just type in 10ofcupsministries and add a “dot org” at the end and you are all set. Her YouTube channel is amazing, too, by the way. I can tell that there is an inner shift when working with her and her material, even if I have not seen the physical manifestation of the work, yet.
The hardest part, though, the part that has me on the struggle bus at the moment, is confronting my inner high heart and its knowledge, versus what I see in the 3D, which is a TF that is less-than-stellar (he’s a bit of an asshole, truth be told). Plus there is that he is with a KS.
Right now, today, it’s the anniversary of when they got together and decided to be in a relationship.
Most of 2015, I was writing my TF regularly via email while he was in his job location overseas. It’s a tough location, fraught with violence. Things got weird in July 2015, when he was engaging in sexual banter with me until one day he popped up and, as best as I can remember (I’ve since deleted the correspondence via a chat and phone app), was adamant about “not wanting a relationship with anyone.” As it was, we mended some fences after I had “email words” with him about how we were technically “in a relationship” as we were engaging in a relationship as friends, but not an exclusive dating-style one, I knew. He knows there is a soul connection, though, and I was referring to this when I said he was writing B.S. about “not being in a relationship” with me. I know now to call it a “connection” and not a relationship, since there is nothing normal about relating to a TF. It is not a “ship” upon which to have a relation, it is more like a mostly-unwanted connection that is souped up with karmic debris and the “fear mirror” — seeing all your worst fears mirrored in the person’s actions towards you. Except that it is also DEEPLY wanted, because the soul knows what the soul knows, and like it or not, this being walking around in a meat suit happens to have your very soul wrapped up in their container of a body.
We got together physically (not sexually, but I mean face-to-face) for the first time since May 2014 almost on the date of the Lion’s Gate (8/8, but we met on the night of 8/7) of 2015. We talked for hours, went bar hopping, had a deep conversation about how we both recognized there was such a strong connection. He asked me where I thought things were going, and I said that we needed to stay in touch and see what the future held. I “saw” him in it.
By August 27, he was letting me know he’d met the parents of “his girl” and on August 30, he informed me they were in a relationship.
That was exactly one year ago.
I’ve been struggling with re-feeling the pain, the surprise and shock, the rejection. It’s continued this past year to be an opportunity to purge, to transmute, to overcome, to focus on myself, to love unconditionally (which I find really, really, really hard when he has been a real ass to me, plus the whole “kewl” thing and its ilk).
I have been learning so much about how to negotiate this TF path. But I have to say I am so good and goddamn tired of the past decade of being on this path, and seeing no earthly 3D results except painful experience after painful experience. There have been some doozies, too, like being pulled away from my youngest son for four years. Two divorces. The past four years of dealing with “this guy” who is a flake, and who has been emerging as my TF slowly but certainly since October 2012 and who has caused no ending of disappointment after disappointment. I hate that I am so attracted (and by this I mean “magnetically drawn”) to him, like I can’t even help it…
For the first time in a long while, thoughts crossed my mind about ending the struggle. As in: purposely getting off the struggle bus and heading back “up there” to return for another round of “down here.” You know. *makes motion of drawing finger across neck to indicate death and a gurgling sound in my throat*
I haven’t felt that way in a fairly long time, long enough that I forgot how despair can feel so naked, painful, and raw. It’s the feeling that you just want to STOP, at any cost, with any method.
At this current moment that I am writing, I’m over the worst of it, I think. And as soon as we get over this upcoming New Moon eclipse and eclipse season, I think the pressure will be somewhat off (god/dess I hope so). I came close, though. I was having “ideations” about how and where to do it. I started to think about how to close social media accounts and how to write to people about my need to exit.
It’s been a bad week.
There are other small things such as joblessness and rent being due that are pressing on me, too. You know, just small stuff. (LOL. Obvs. written in sarcasm font.)
This is truly a difficult phase. The 3D person of my TF makes me think that I have had it all wrong, that there is no way he could be the TF and there is no way he is going to leave the KS. (And really, would I even want him to? He’s not exactly feeling like a “prize” I want to “win.” It’s more like, “She can have him because: ewww.”). My continued lack of a mission and lack of prosperity has had me thinking that I am doing it all wrong, and that there is nothing I can do to create a better situation for myself and that none of this is EVER GOING TO HAPPEN because it is just impossible.
A year ago, during the eclipse season last September (the Blood Moon one) I was given a story about my TF about what was going to happen in the future. I thought it was going to be this year, earlier in the year (from February to July), but I’m shown it might be in the next few months when he is overseas (until February of next year, if he follows the same schedule as before). I was told that I need to be prepared for the TF and KS to possibly get married — and that for sure they would be engaged, which I see is the case now (a year later).
But it was what I was told after that which causes me to “wait and see.”
I helped the TF through a very harrowing medical experience back in 2014. We spent around 6 weeks daily together in a very intense situation with an injury to his back and I was helping him night and day with this injury until he could have surgery. We bonded in this time, and I was shocked at how after a total of 12 weeks (the weeks before and after his surgery totaled 12) more or less in a “relationship” (or a very intense experience where I could feel his love and appreciation), he said he did not want a relationship at that time — that he did not want to be in anything exclusive with me, even after what had transpired. I backed out that time, knowing I deserved much, much better than he could give and I was not going to just be a “good time girl.” He completely flaked on me, and I was not going to be caught up in the humiliation of that. There’s more — my son was also hospitalized at the end that time, and the TF seemed to not give a shit about it. It was pretty gross the way he bailed…
But I completely bonded to him in that time. I didn’t know he was the TF, but in hindsight, I can see there were indications that he was (also, I still believed that my third ex was my TF at that time. I was expecting a “divine counterpart” at best, and I didn’t see that this person — the man about whom I am writing now — could be anything other than perhaps a karmic situation).
I was told in September 2015 that he is going to be injured overseas, maybe in a similar way as he was in early 2014 (i.e., back trouble). I have been shown it will be like a lightning bolt to his head. Maybe a literal one? I do not know. I’m always shown the Tower card from the Tarot in regards to this. It could be an actual lightning bolt. It could be an explosion of some kind (possible in his location).
“They” (HS & Co.) said that it would be a situation of contrast between how I treated him during his injury and how either the KS or others treat him; essentially, that he will “wake up” to the nature of our having one soul; he will realize the truth of it, and will see everything clearly for what it is and his reality will be altered forever. It’s possible he is going to have an NDE, which, given his current work location, is not a stretch to believe.
However, I’m honestly at the point where I think that I made this all up (the whole, huge Chipotle-sized burrito) and that there is no way that this could happen. It’s just wishful thinking – the kind of wishful thinking that only the spurned in limerence have.
I linked it in above. Check it out, though:
Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated….Limerence has been defined by one writer as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest”. (Wikipedia, “Limerence”)
I mean, wow. Doesn’t that sound like most people claiming they have TFs? Doesn’t that sound a LOT like me in this post here?
It’s gross, IMO. Limerence is slimy, covered in boogers and mucus. It’s the female version of Pepé le Pew; it is clingy, disgusting obsessiveness.
I have to say that this is a lot of what the TF experience is like and I am really trying to let go of it as much as possible. It’s feeling right now that I will never be able to let this go, that I will never clean off the clingy boogers of this whole TF deal, and I hate that my HS & Co. conspires to make sure that I am sticking in limerence in the name of “holding space” and “loving the soul of the TF” and “trying to connect with the 5D version of my TF.”
I mean, REALLY.
My eyes are rolling back so far into my head I am getting a headache.
But fuck me, I hope that damn story is true, and that one day he actually wakes up and realizes. I wish I didn’t. But I do.
The call to let go of this outcome is upon me, though. I was doing okay with that until the anniversary of his getting together with his KS, the trauma of that, plus the trauma of having gotten another TF story (they did this with my TF Catalyst, too — a huge burrito of a FALSE story that led me overseas and away from my kids for four years). I have a lot of triggers around this, can you tell? *rueful laughter*
So I came here to write. I came here to put words to it, to purge myself of these ridiculous tales. To alleviate the pressure that brings such depths of despair.
I don’t even know if anyone is ever going to read this. But I had to get it off my chest, to release it to the universe. Besides, I have felt like recording the whole thing. Just in case.
Meanwhile, I board the struggle bus again tonight. I think it is going to drop me off soon, hopefully in a few days after the eclipses — maybe not until the end of September. I am sure if and when my TF and his KS get married, I will be back here, trying to exorcise the demons again. At least I know that likely won’t be until February as he is overseas until then (unless there is another surprise awaiting me with this. The KS was posting pics of a Christmas wedding on Pinterest at one point. I don’t think he’ll be back, but then he is in limbo with the job and no offer letter as of last week. That may have changed…).
I just want it to stop, though. All of it. I don’t know how much more of this I can take… Meanwhile, I wait, simultaneously letting go and holding on. Breathing in and breathing out, one day at a time, one moment at a time.
Over and Out.
Calliope the Muse